25 Reasons No Woman Will Ever Marry Me

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Always Single: 25 Reasons No Woman Will Ever Marry Me
Contributor
Heartbreak

I know what you're thinking: Challenge accepted. I will marry the ever-loving s*** out of you. Just try and stop me.

I appreciate your defiance, dear reader, but it's ultimately futile. I'll never change my ways, because I'm always single.

For, you see, I'm the sort of person that opens an article by arguing with a figment of my own narcissistic imagination. And we haven't even gotten to the list yet. Will you maintain that steadfast confidence as I count the ways I'm not cut out for marriage? 

There's another one: I make up words. That's pretty annoying, I bet.

When you are single, you only have to take care of yourself, not anyone else. Which is lovely for me. My chronic singleness is something that I pride myself on. There are so many benefits to being single.

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There is no need for me to have useless, meaningless conversations where I have to feign interest. I don't have to do things that I don't care about. It's amazing.

How wonderful it is to be single! I am only responsible for my own happiness, not anyone else's. I can do as I please without anyone's opinion.

Oh, and there's no nagging about anything. It's so lovely to have peace and quiet. No one needs a nagging wife to be happy; I just need my drink and video games to pass the time.

No, you don't need a woman to be happy.

Here are 25 more verses in my self-fulfilling prophecy of being always single.

1. I can't build anything.

2. I can't fix anything, either.

3. I don't care if that means I'm not a real man.

4. I don't watch TV.

5. I don't use social media.

6. Therefore, I don't care about 98 percent of the things you probably want to talk about.

7. I never want kids.

8. Trust me, kids don't want me, either.

9. I have a horrifying sense of humor.

10. I refuse to dial it down in front of your friends and family.

11. The same goes for your coworkers.

12. Weddings are a massive, impractical waste of money.

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13. Not to mention the rings!

14. And it all seems like one big waste of time.

15. I'm not going to ask you to marry me in the first place.

16. So, that already eliminates anyone who believes in more "traditional" gender roles.

17. If you asked me, I'd say no anyway.

18. At this point, marriage is a logical impossibility.

19. Unless you forced me at gunpoint.

20. Which sounds like the plot to a rad Tarantino movie, so I might be into it.

21. But still, not going to happen.

22. What are you, some kind of marriage pusher?

23. Let's just drink beer and play video games.

24. Like, a lot of beer.

25. And a lot of video games.

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Bob Alaburda is a former contributor to Yourtango.