Wife Wants A Threesome

wife wants a threesome
Contributor
Love, Sex

In my previous "Marriage Without Monogamy" post, which you might want to take a look at now before reading further, I decided it might be interesting to temporarily steer away from the confessional-style essay this column has become known for. I just wasn't in the appropriate mood, I guess, to work through yet another one of my unconventional relationship issues on paper. And yet judging from some of the very blunt comments this column has inspired in months past, I figured that at least some of my regular readers might be willing to share a few unconventional issues of their own. Perhaps not surprisingly, I was right. The day after my call for questions was posted online, I received an email from a woman I'll call "Karen".

Karen's question was deceivingly complex. That is, it seemed simple enough on the surface. As Karen explained, she's happily married to a man, although she happens to be bisexual. She went on to explain that her best friend, a woman, is interested in sleeping with her. Karen's husband, however, doesn't like that idea one bit—but Karen claims that's only because he knows he won't be invited to play along. You see, according to Karen, her husband is significantly overweight, and so the best friend isn't attracted to him. He's so overweight, in fact, that hardly any women are attracted to him. And that puts Karen in a bit of a bind, because unless her hubby gets his hands on a piece of the proverbial action, she isn't allowed to have sex with other women. And that includes the best friend.

Sounds pretty cut-and-dry, right?

But as I read through Karen's email a second time, and then a third, I noticed a certain passive aggressive sentiment that was hidden between the lines. For instance, Karen seemed to be singing her rotund husband's praises in one sentence, but then cutting him down in an understated, subtle sort of way in the next. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was dealing with a Classic Female Communication issue. In other words, Karen was clearly saying one thing, but insinuating something entirely different.

I read the message another time or two before finally admitting that I was no match against the cunning shrewdness of the complicated female mind. So I sent Karen's email to my fiancé, Carrie Ann, and I asked for her help. I told her to look it over, and to give me her thoughts. I wasn't the least bit surprised after reading Carrie's full report—she had clearly seen Karen's gobbledegook girl talk for what it really was: a steaming pile of straight-up bullshit.

In the end, we decided to join together the best quotes from our conversation. Go ahead and look through Karen's email yourself, or simply scroll down to find out what Carrie and I had to say. (By the way, "Karen's" letter was edited for clarity.)

From: Karen
To: Dan Eldridge
RE: Ask a Non-Monogamist
Date: 7/08/08 12:57 PM

I have a few questions about pursuing this "adventure." My husband and I have been together ten years, married for 3.5. Great sex life, by the way. Here’s my story:

I was bisexual when I met my husband. He loved the idea at first, but then it got personal—he was only ok with it as long as he was involved. The girl I was with at the time is my best friend to this day. She’s married, by the way, and her husband doesn’t know about her past with me. She wants to get back together, but she doesn’t want my husband involved. I don’t want to do it behind his back, because I wouldn’t want him doing it behind my back. We had a threesome about seven years ago with the same girl – my best friend. My husband was jealous that I liked being with her more than with him. I loved both!

Recently, we’ve been getting back into the discussion of not necessarily opening the relationship, but having another threesome. Because he and I are only ok with it as long as we’re both involved—every time.

I'm ok if it just happens unplanned, and spontaneously. But my husband is set on "planning and finding someone," which is really hard to do. Most of the people who are into it only want me involved. He's a pretty big guy, so most girls find him unattractive. I love him for who he is, and his size doesn't bother me. My problem is this: How do I relay that information to him without crushing his feelings? Should I not say anything at all?

He's always wanting to go to strip clubs in order to "find" someone, but I don't like the thought of having a stripper come home with us. Not clean, not smart, and I'm not comfortable with it, either. Any suggestions? I want it as bad as he does. I just don't want to pursue it the way he does.

More Juicy Content From YourTango:

Dan: You see what I mean? That's a tough one, isn't it? Although I will say this: Something I noticed right off the bat was that this woman wasn't being honest with herself. Not at all. Nor was she being honest when she wrote me this email. Let me give you an example.

At the very beginning of the letter, she explains that when her relationship with her now-husband first started, the guy was fine with the fact that she occasionally slept with other women. But at some point, he obviously came to the realization that Karen enjoyed her girlfriend's naked body more than she enjoyed his. Naturally, it was after that point that he changed his tune about Karen's dangerous liaisons: It was no longer alright, unless he was right there in the room with the two of them.

But in the next paragraph of Karen's email, she says this: "He and I are only ok with it as long as we're both involved—every time."

Well... not exactly. It's clear as day that Karen's husband isn't comfortable with the idea of his wife screwing around without him. But when she says, "He and I are only ok with it as long as we're both involved," that's just complete bullshit. It sounds to me as if she's practically dying to fuck this friend by herself, and to be completely honest, I don't blame her. After all, if the friend isn't into fat guys, but the husband shows up and starts putting his dick into everything that moves, that's going be one seriously awkward scene!

Carrie: First, I'd tell her it's pretty obvious that both she and her husband need to take a step back, and really talk about a few things. I don't think this woman is being honest with herself at all, in my opinion.

I think it's also obvious that she really hurt her husband the last time they did this, and even though he may want to do it again, he also wants more control over the situation this time. And, at least subconsciously, he wants to stick it to his wife a little bit by getting a stripper for their threesome.

Karen's trying to cover her ass by saying the stripper idea isn't "smart," and that strippers aren't "clean." The truth, of course, is there are plenty of clean strippers out there. (The husband isn't even asking to get a prostitute, after all, which would be a lot more risky). I think Karen knows full well why she's afraid to get a stripper: She's afraid her husband will find the stripper more attractive than her. And I think the husband knows this, too. He's probably using this as a way to get back at her for hurting him the first time around.

Dan: I think what it comes down to is this: Karen is probably a very sweet, very kind-hearted woman. But she's also human, and she has sexual needs like everyone else. For her, these obviously include having sex with her best friend. And yet her husband's insecurity about his weight is the only real reason this is a problem. But because Karen doesn't want to risk offending her husband by having a real, honest conversation about his weight, or about their sexual boundaries, or for that matter anything else, she's turned to me.

And I know what she wants me to tell her. She wants me to say that her husband knew what he was getting himself into when they got married, and now he's being unreasonable and unfair, and she should do whatever the hell she wants. But you know what? That's simply not the case. I mean, she married this guy! And if there's anything that's almost guaranteed to destroy the foundation of a long-term relationship, it's lack of communication. And that's something that appears to have been going on in this relationship for quite some time.

Subscribe to our newsletter.

Hey You! Want more of YourTango's best articles, seriously addictive horoscopes and top expert advice? Sign up to get our free daily newsletter!

Carrie: I think both Karen and her husband are asking for a lot of trouble in their relationship if they don't talk honestly with each other before doing this. The husband needs a forum to explain how he felt the last time they had a threesome.

And Karen needs to be able to talk to her husband about sensitive topics as well. It's a really bad sign that she's not even able to discuss his weight with him, especially when you consider how big of a factor that's become in their search for sexual partners.

I found something else about her question a bit troubling. Did you notice how she didn't mention anything about the third party? I think these two are so worried about themselves, and about what they want, that they haven't even thought about out how they're going to handle this new addition to their relationship. For example, is this something they just want to experience once? Or do they want it to be an ongoing thing with someone specific? If they do want it to be ongoing, they'll need to realize that the third partner is most likely going to want something out of the relationship too.

Dan: Before Karen so much as makes out with her girlfriend again, she needs to have a long heart-to-heart with her husband. The two of them are obviously not communicating with each other. They need to lay it all on the line. They need to decide what they're comfortable with as far as their sex life goes. Bottom line: Karen has to be honest with her husband about what she wants. She can't keep pussy-footing around the situation forever, or eventually someone is bound to explode!

Carrie:: We know the wife wants spontaneity—or so she says—while the husband wants more control. I think they can find an element of both by trying out adult dating sites, like AdultFriendFinder.com. That way, there will still be some element of surprise, but both Karen and her husband can be in control by selecting a girl together, and by laying out any ground rules they may have.

They might also consider trying a few swingers clubs. Most of these places are no-pressure clubs, and considering the husband has been hurt in the past, it might not be a bad idea to get started a little slower this time around. By going this route, they can be sure nobody's getting hurt in the process.

Many couples interested in swinging start out by just making out with someone else together. Slowly, they might work their way up to having sex with this other person. And eventually, they may even move towards a relationship.

But if these two really do love each other, like Karen says, and if they really do have a great sex life together, like Karen says, then there's absolutely no reason they should feel the need to rush into anything.

Send your questions about non-monogamy to eldridge@ymail.com.