The Hotter The Dude, The Bigger The Assh*le: A Matrix For All Women

Photo: iStock

Men love to call women crazy. It's a lot easier than saying, "This vagina with boobs attached has feelings that I don't understand and that frightens me." At this point, a guy calling me crazy hurts me about as much as squeezing out a blackhead from my nose, minus the extreme satisfaction that activity illicits.

But that doesn't make it OK. We've got a woman running for president — that's huge! But we've also got guys like this gun-totting, khaki-wearing, 47-year-old smarmy chode sharing videos about something he calls the "Hot/Crazy Matrix."

That's right, as Hillary Clinton fields questions about Benghazi, some ass-wipe in a starched button down (we will call him Stu) has made it his mission to explain to young men the world over that it's OK to f*ck a totally crazy woman provided that she's extremely hot.


​I watched this video once in stunned silence. Then I watched it again just quietly saying, "I can't even" over and over again. Then I considered going all GIF Panda on my own computer, but that seemed foolhardy. Then, after roughly half a martini, I decided to let this whole deal go. Then I finished the martini and was all "Fuck that!"

To that end, I've created the "Dick/Hot Matrix." Because men are simple creatures, easily quantifiable and worthy of our condescension. 

Subscribe to our newsletter.

Join now for YourTango's trending articles, top expert advice and personal horoscopes delivered straight to your inbox each morning.

Pretty hard to argue with science, am I right ladies? Please feel free to share this chart. Also, I'm available for all your chart-making needs. You can compensate me in martinis. Now I need to go lay down.